Sunday, January 30, 2005
Saturday, January 29, 2005
perhaps i'm having a delayed growth spurt, because i never really went through a teenage angsty phase. perhaps being emasculated and indoctrinated in a rigid Confucianist school was the main reason, but still i think my emotional development is lagging waay behind all other aspects, judging from the outburst yesterday. maybe i'm still a pimpled snotty ass at heart.
anyway, the calender finally arrived from amazon and hence could finally plot out the exam dates. its a sort of juxtaposition with Fall 2004. Back then the calender was marked full of dates; this time it was few and far between. I literally have too much time for myself that i keep wondering whether i've forgotten any stuff to do. More tellingly, the first stain of the year on my jeans were no coffee stains; they were tomato ketchup stains from the cafeteria. I never found time to actually sit still in bob's cafeteria (yes yx, he's named bob ;) ) and eat last semester, and now i'm spending breakfast everyday diddling about. seems like i've stumbled upon the motherlode source of time.
maybe its time to grow up. and maybe its time to stop being too hard on myself. self deprecation had always been my way of pushing myself but t'was emotionally tiring. i don't want to keep second guessing things but how do i replace my old with a new self? i like my old self and i don't wish to have a transitional phase where everything gets fuzzy and confused.
yes i will speak louder. yes i will stop making jokes about myself. yes i will somehow regain my long lost self esteem. but how should go about with the transformation ? will someone tell me here?? hello??
anyway, the calender finally arrived from amazon and hence could finally plot out the exam dates. its a sort of juxtaposition with Fall 2004. Back then the calender was marked full of dates; this time it was few and far between. I literally have too much time for myself that i keep wondering whether i've forgotten any stuff to do. More tellingly, the first stain of the year on my jeans were no coffee stains; they were tomato ketchup stains from the cafeteria. I never found time to actually sit still in bob's cafeteria (yes yx, he's named bob ;) ) and eat last semester, and now i'm spending breakfast everyday diddling about. seems like i've stumbled upon the motherlode source of time.
maybe its time to grow up. and maybe its time to stop being too hard on myself. self deprecation had always been my way of pushing myself but t'was emotionally tiring. i don't want to keep second guessing things but how do i replace my old with a new self? i like my old self and i don't wish to have a transitional phase where everything gets fuzzy and confused.
yes i will speak louder. yes i will stop making jokes about myself. yes i will somehow regain my long lost self esteem. but how should go about with the transformation ? will someone tell me here?? hello??
Friday, January 28, 2005
seems to be a few nights ago when i staggred back to madison and went straight to the toilet bowl to projectile vomit after sampling the best of airline cuisine. These days i keep waking up and not believing that i'm actually back in madison already, even if the snow outside keeps piling up into white lumps of shit.
two weeks already and not much has changed. its a struggle so far and it a struggle it will stay. its hard to wake up when the alarm clock rings and u know you have a day full of shit ahead. its hard to even go downstairs for breakfast anymore because its plain ol' grub and 3 semesters of eating the best of Bob the cook's efforts and finding out whether the mystery meat in the jumbalaya is beef or chicken or a mixture or both has lost its novelty value. its really siannish to go to class everday and deal with snotty freshmen thinking i can't speak english because i wear shitty clothes ("oh you're from China?") ; premeds who sit in the front of the class, think the world about themsleves and generally block out my usual train of thought from that infantile chatter (oh, you've applied for cornell? coool! hey, i've heard this class is soooooo2 (hanyu pingyin can be used to imitate the midwestern accent, thats fo sho !) easy man, the prof gives easy As man...u know what i mean) ; freaking bimbo korean/jappy/taiwanese/other-rich-asian-country girls talking about which white guy gave them head (or the other way round *pfft*) the weekend before and comparing dick sizes and who-treated-who-at-which-expensive-restaurant-and-did-what-later.
i could go on and on about this sort of shit, as u will probably have realized that
a) i'm an antisocial rat bastard
b) i hate people
it was quite a revelation in Russki Lit class when the prof was droning on and on about the text that the reason why i stuck out like a sore thumb over here was not a surprise at all, because thats always been the case even when i was home. Chekhov was right. everyone has some sort of a case that prevents himself from touching base in reality. for my case, i'm stuck in a cast iron box. 9 inch thick lined with lead to be exact.
of course, this makes me a huge wussy living inside my own world. this wussy doesnt like to appear vulnerable, nor to be inclined to be social to others. this wussy sees the world from journals and books and theoretical shit. this wussy is a huge ass
so stay away.
two weeks already and not much has changed. its a struggle so far and it a struggle it will stay. its hard to wake up when the alarm clock rings and u know you have a day full of shit ahead. its hard to even go downstairs for breakfast anymore because its plain ol' grub and 3 semesters of eating the best of Bob the cook's efforts and finding out whether the mystery meat in the jumbalaya is beef or chicken or a mixture or both has lost its novelty value. its really siannish to go to class everday and deal with snotty freshmen thinking i can't speak english because i wear shitty clothes ("oh you're from China?") ; premeds who sit in the front of the class, think the world about themsleves and generally block out my usual train of thought from that infantile chatter (oh, you've applied for cornell? coool! hey, i've heard this class is soooooo2 (hanyu pingyin can be used to imitate the midwestern accent, thats fo sho !) easy man, the prof gives easy As man...u know what i mean) ; freaking bimbo korean/jappy/taiwanese/other-rich-asian-country girls talking about which white guy gave them head (or the other way round *pfft*) the weekend before and comparing dick sizes and who-treated-who-at-which-expensive-restaurant-and-did-what-later.
i could go on and on about this sort of shit, as u will probably have realized that
a) i'm an antisocial rat bastard
b) i hate people
it was quite a revelation in Russki Lit class when the prof was droning on and on about the text that the reason why i stuck out like a sore thumb over here was not a surprise at all, because thats always been the case even when i was home. Chekhov was right. everyone has some sort of a case that prevents himself from touching base in reality. for my case, i'm stuck in a cast iron box. 9 inch thick lined with lead to be exact.
of course, this makes me a huge wussy living inside my own world. this wussy doesnt like to appear vulnerable, nor to be inclined to be social to others. this wussy sees the world from journals and books and theoretical shit. this wussy is a huge ass
so stay away.
Saturday, January 22, 2005
a rarity: i'm sitting at home on a saturday night with nothing to do. same story as last semester: its just the first week and hence the lull before the storm; "before you get hammered with all the assignments and papers" in the words of my PI. (She also has a curiously neighing horse laugh. its a obvious marker when she's around. but i digress. another blog post i suppose)
one of my resolutions was to slow down my life and take time to smell the roses; i don't know whether its been true or not. maybe is too early to tell. two credit courses (as opposed to the standard three courses) imply that less coursework is required, but the sum of parts don't add up to their whole, especially when graduate courses are concerned. and having spotted some faces from McArdle in lecture on Friday, I don't know whether I'd be safe from the 3.8 monster this semester.
its a deplorable creature, this 3.8 ogre. it is the primary leash to which i'm bound to my surrogate sponsor agency/paymaster/slavedriver (i'd give other names, but u know what i mean.) whenever i choose courses, there's always this question at the back of my mind that sez ("will i get screwed? is it possible at all to be safe?"). Even if i scoff at the damned things, it somehow makes its presence felt even after the euphoria of finishing the finals. 2 weeks on and waiting for the results, i will be subject to the full rage of its power, striking me when i least expect it.
"shit man, did i make a really bad gamble choosing history? its not a definite A you know..."
"... the worst thing is that i'd be freaking working as a lab tech if i get screwed, and all those smiling bastards, those that took the straight and narrow road, the it'd-better-be-easy-to-score-or-else-i-won't-take-this-course dicks, exactly the type that would take Introduction to Voice 101 or some shit course like Ballroom Dancing or Wine tasting 101.. they'd be traipsing off to grad school. goddamn*@)(u_*)_*@&(!^@^$!*()!)&$!*_!09
one of the profs told us "if you had to purely use statistics to do an experiment, then you're doing the wrong experiment"
so why the hell am i held at mercy by a piece of meaningless data? How do you tell one is a better scientist? By their freaking undergraduate GPAs, or by the number of papers they actually published? And they call themselves a scientific agency.
one of my resolutions was to slow down my life and take time to smell the roses; i don't know whether its been true or not. maybe is too early to tell. two credit courses (as opposed to the standard three courses) imply that less coursework is required, but the sum of parts don't add up to their whole, especially when graduate courses are concerned. and having spotted some faces from McArdle in lecture on Friday, I don't know whether I'd be safe from the 3.8 monster this semester.
its a deplorable creature, this 3.8 ogre. it is the primary leash to which i'm bound to my surrogate sponsor agency/paymaster/slavedriver (i'd give other names, but u know what i mean.) whenever i choose courses, there's always this question at the back of my mind that sez ("will i get screwed? is it possible at all to be safe?"). Even if i scoff at the damned things, it somehow makes its presence felt even after the euphoria of finishing the finals. 2 weeks on and waiting for the results, i will be subject to the full rage of its power, striking me when i least expect it.
"shit man, did i make a really bad gamble choosing history? its not a definite A you know..."
"... the worst thing is that i'd be freaking working as a lab tech if i get screwed, and all those smiling bastards, those that took the straight and narrow road, the it'd-better-be-easy-to-score-or-else-i-won't-take-this-course dicks, exactly the type that would take Introduction to Voice 101 or some shit course like Ballroom Dancing or Wine tasting 101.. they'd be traipsing off to grad school. goddamn*@)(u_*)_*@&(!^@^$!*()!)&$!*_!09
one of the profs told us "if you had to purely use statistics to do an experiment, then you're doing the wrong experiment"
so why the hell am i held at mercy by a piece of meaningless data? How do you tell one is a better scientist? By their freaking undergraduate GPAs, or by the number of papers they actually published? And they call themselves a scientific agency.
Sunday, January 16, 2005
at least this time i wanted to see the people i wanted to see, and the people i didn't expect to see showed up too.
weirdly enough, the people i wished were here were over there, and even still, idiots i wished weren't here, weren't here at all! hoho
of course, the more things change, the more they stay the same. I gained about 6 kgs this time gorging on food for the past three weeks, with the pigout-to-place ratio remaining the same. of course, i would have listed the places i ravaged as per last summer, but to do that now would require..er, like 4 page list, so to say i've grown into an absolute pig would suffice (for now). i picked up the taste of Mccellan whiskey from the Geleng (my poor liver) while i still realised that the variety and quality of Deutchbier over in Madison is still superior to here. ( For the record, Erdinger sucks. big time. yes it does. yes shaddup.)
therefore, if the plane doesnt do anything funny (like crash), i don't do anything funny on the plane (like die of DVT- i hate airplane toilets), i don't get mistaken for an Al-Qaeda operative in Minnesota/St.Paul, then its 5 months of Madison Madison Madison.
I miss you, and you too. ;) yes you :) (<--- see i even have a requisite :) here)
FRANSIKANER DUNKELWEISSBIER, HERE I COME!!!
(i thereby donate my liver to science if i die)
weirdly enough, the people i wished were here were over there, and even still, idiots i wished weren't here, weren't here at all! hoho
of course, the more things change, the more they stay the same. I gained about 6 kgs this time gorging on food for the past three weeks, with the pigout-to-place ratio remaining the same. of course, i would have listed the places i ravaged as per last summer, but to do that now would require..er, like 4 page list, so to say i've grown into an absolute pig would suffice (for now). i picked up the taste of Mccellan whiskey from the Geleng (my poor liver) while i still realised that the variety and quality of Deutchbier over in Madison is still superior to here. ( For the record, Erdinger sucks. big time. yes it does. yes shaddup.)
therefore, if the plane doesnt do anything funny (like crash), i don't do anything funny on the plane (like die of DVT- i hate airplane toilets), i don't get mistaken for an Al-Qaeda operative in Minnesota/St.Paul, then its 5 months of Madison Madison Madison.
I miss you, and you too. ;) yes you :) (<--- see i even have a requisite :) here)
FRANSIKANER DUNKELWEISSBIER, HERE I COME!!!
(i thereby donate my liver to science if i die)
Friday, January 14, 2005
so Geleng is stewing his ass on the plane now. Well enjoy the 22 hour flight, don't get any thrombosis and please, once you reach the airport, put on your cappy, if u don't want your ears to drop off. My Weatherbug reads -18 degrees Celsius, so i'm sorry if your first sight of snow is so traumatic. Keep walking man, warm those legs, if you don't want your balls to drop off after your ears. if you read this, that means you've survived. Good for you then. :)
(In other words, this is a belated bon voyage bitch :P)
(In other words, this is a belated bon voyage bitch :P)
Sunday, January 09, 2005
because that bloody geleng has anyhow linked peepur into my blog i gotta tell them peepur two things:
1. fat doesnt insulate against cold. (by implication, the reason why i'm eating so much is because i'm a greedy bastahd.) vodka or whiskey does the job. and of course, some decent down jackets. NOT LIGHT SUMMER JACKETS! (you hear that geleng? huh huh huh ? )
2. don't read my blog. cannot. no no . *shake shake* u lose your apetite not my fault ar.
anyway, geleng. its not just merely "-20 degrees" . the damned temperature over there (referring to the midwest as a whole) is like a, er...schizophrenic freak like you are, bitch. there was one week where it reached -33 in mid morning, then came up to -9 in the evening and the next day was above zero, and then the very next afternoon it dropped to -20.
so don anyhow play play. get a down jacket man! a good one! unless u wanna your ears to drop off or u wanna lose your nose via frostbite.
once u start minimalizing your layers, you're gonna minimalize your bloody sperm count my man. ooh, and pack some real vodka. please .vanilla flavored absolut vodka in a water bottle is for frat boys only. and it doesnt help against the cold. u aint a frat boy man, so get some premium vodka from DFS or smth when u finally fly off.
erm i'm talking thrash again.
bye
1. fat doesnt insulate against cold. (by implication, the reason why i'm eating so much is because i'm a greedy bastahd.) vodka or whiskey does the job. and of course, some decent down jackets. NOT LIGHT SUMMER JACKETS! (you hear that geleng? huh huh huh ? )
2. don't read my blog. cannot. no no . *shake shake* u lose your apetite not my fault ar.
anyway, geleng. its not just merely "-20 degrees" . the damned temperature over there (referring to the midwest as a whole) is like a, er...schizophrenic freak like you are, bitch. there was one week where it reached -33 in mid morning, then came up to -9 in the evening and the next day was above zero, and then the very next afternoon it dropped to -20.
so don anyhow play play. get a down jacket man! a good one! unless u wanna your ears to drop off or u wanna lose your nose via frostbite.
once u start minimalizing your layers, you're gonna minimalize your bloody sperm count my man. ooh, and pack some real vodka. please .vanilla flavored absolut vodka in a water bottle is for frat boys only. and it doesnt help against the cold. u aint a frat boy man, so get some premium vodka from DFS or smth when u finally fly off.
erm i'm talking thrash again.
bye
*burrp*
been continuously masticating, regurgitating and rechewing old cud like a cow since Thursday.
it started when De Sleeping Buddha (the bugger that manages to put in at least 11 hours of sleep in the bunk everyday back in Alpha coy) MSN'ed me with his infinite wisdom:
"lets go to the quaint old places along Clarke Quay .."
quaint indeed. after escaping from the clutches of the overenthusiastic waitstaff trying to entice us into their waterside establishments tailored more to the whitey tourists than the locals, we ended up in Ellenborough Cafe at the Swisshotel.
yeah verry quaint. but it was a good spread and i got stuffed. *ooof* that my old platoon mates were experts at demolishing buffets didn't help things. about 8 full plates later and countless other small bowls of entrees, the end result was that er, i spent the night bleching and farting about the house, unable to sleep because of my distended stomach.
then i met an old classmate on Friday for dinner (breakfast and lunch was not necessary.. of course) and the pint sized bugger and me proceeded to demolish Tiong Bahru market with one fell swoop. ah just like the old days . and of course my stomach did its thang and after a whole night of mouth to ass clairvoyance, it said "no more of this shit or else.."
but nooooooo, when i went reached Muar the very next afternoon, all i did was to eat . continously. for 7 hours . wanton mee, satay, ortak, orluak ............. my jaw was sore after that man. i don't even wanna say what my stomach did to me that very night.
and now, after a very pleasant visit with yx to sample the best of Chomp Chomp, its really affecting my blogging. the rather huge paunch that was the result of my transient gluttony is affecting my thought processes by shunting so much blood to the GI tract, i guess. My mom thinks i look like a pregnant woman from certain angles, while my relatives find it hard to believe i actually lost weight back in wisc-y.
i don't really think i'd make it through the night without my stomach esploding. so er, if i don't make it through, jaby, you get my books. XM u get the lit stuff that's sitting in my room man. Ram you get my bitch bike. yx u wanna my music CDs? er, er, who else. GELENG! my chai goes to you. .. who else... erin! i gotta give u my present man!! blaaaaaain... er... i dono whatta give u though.. u get my beer stash in the fridge! tashi! you get my twin sister u dirty mutt you *wink* er.... my distended foie gras/liver should be delicacy for the frenchie frogs. i think my liver can be sold at a premium price and pass off as the world's largest piece of foie gras . hrm or rather, since its so full of HBV particles, they can culture my hepatocytes in a dish and name the cell line after me. some funky name such as..
er... ..... ZXFG.20895hdsfgns. or something. i wonder how they name cell lines man .
ok wth i think i'm rambling like a depraved dirty unwashed unwanted geekofockobeeyatch.
cya man.
i'm off to
"conduct a dignified tete-a-tete with my undigested food particles" *wink*
been continuously masticating, regurgitating and rechewing old cud like a cow since Thursday.
it started when De Sleeping Buddha (the bugger that manages to put in at least 11 hours of sleep in the bunk everyday back in Alpha coy) MSN'ed me with his infinite wisdom:
"lets go to the quaint old places along Clarke Quay .."
quaint indeed. after escaping from the clutches of the overenthusiastic waitstaff trying to entice us into their waterside establishments tailored more to the whitey tourists than the locals, we ended up in Ellenborough Cafe at the Swisshotel.
yeah verry quaint. but it was a good spread and i got stuffed. *ooof* that my old platoon mates were experts at demolishing buffets didn't help things. about 8 full plates later and countless other small bowls of entrees, the end result was that er, i spent the night bleching and farting about the house, unable to sleep because of my distended stomach.
then i met an old classmate on Friday for dinner (breakfast and lunch was not necessary.. of course) and the pint sized bugger and me proceeded to demolish Tiong Bahru market with one fell swoop. ah just like the old days . and of course my stomach did its thang and after a whole night of mouth to ass clairvoyance, it said "no more of this shit or else.."
but nooooooo, when i went reached Muar the very next afternoon, all i did was to eat . continously. for 7 hours . wanton mee, satay, ortak, orluak ............. my jaw was sore after that man. i don't even wanna say what my stomach did to me that very night.
and now, after a very pleasant visit with yx to sample the best of Chomp Chomp, its really affecting my blogging. the rather huge paunch that was the result of my transient gluttony is affecting my thought processes by shunting so much blood to the GI tract, i guess. My mom thinks i look like a pregnant woman from certain angles, while my relatives find it hard to believe i actually lost weight back in wisc-y.
i don't really think i'd make it through the night without my stomach esploding. so er, if i don't make it through, jaby, you get my books. XM u get the lit stuff that's sitting in my room man. Ram you get my bitch bike. yx u wanna my music CDs? er, er, who else. GELENG! my chai goes to you. .. who else... erin! i gotta give u my present man!! blaaaaaain... er... i dono whatta give u though.. u get my beer stash in the fridge! tashi! you get my twin sister u dirty mutt you *wink* er.... my distended foie gras/liver should be delicacy for the frenchie frogs. i think my liver can be sold at a premium price and pass off as the world's largest piece of foie gras . hrm or rather, since its so full of HBV particles, they can culture my hepatocytes in a dish and name the cell line after me. some funky name such as..
er... ..... ZXFG.20895hdsfgns. or something. i wonder how they name cell lines man .
ok wth i think i'm rambling like a depraved dirty unwashed unwanted geekofockobeeyatch.
cya man.
i'm off to
"conduct a dignified tete-a-tete with my undigested food particles" *wink*
Sunday, January 02, 2005
went downtown to meet Des(sie) today. on the way, i had a full load of the tropical rainstorm dumped onto me, and squelched around in my wet sneakers downtown after that.
stepped into the typically bourgeois establishment that was Coffee Club, endured the bad service, perhaps made worse by our collective shitty attire which earned a " 'cuse me, are you two in the queue?" from a smartly dressed buggerette behind us.
the coffee tasted like black piss, while the whiskey in my irish coffee tasted like American beer, but we talked. perhaps this was my first meeting with Des for a year or so, and that was the reason why i wasn't compelled to do the funky stuff i used to do to him in camp, when he took the double decker beside mine and he had an entire stash of romance novels, of which the more colorful erotica were eagerly devoured by the rest of the depraved corporals in Bunk 3, Alm Plt, Alpha Coy, 35 SCE (shitworkers unite!). Since I gave him the address of this blog, i don't think i should say what exactly i (or the others) did to him on a regular basis. Sorry Dessie :)
but it still came to me as a surprise how much of us stayed the same even though we were released into the civilian world for almost a year and a half now.
No more camos and short-singlet-PT shoes, no more shitty camp food, no more bellyaching about being in the bottom of the foodchain in this kanina shithole/mangrove swamp. Perhaps the facades has changed, and much has happened, but the core in us are still preserved.
Perhaps only the inevitable hard knocks will make some perceptible impression. but anyway,
yes, i'm still the lonely loser that i am now, as i was then. and i still will be the lonely loser in the future, as i am now.
definitely, the climate and social settings are different, but the more things change, the more they stay the same init?
so thank you, poto, whoever you are, for reminding me of myself.
its nice to go back to your roots for awhile.
stepped into the typically bourgeois establishment that was Coffee Club, endured the bad service, perhaps made worse by our collective shitty attire which earned a " 'cuse me, are you two in the queue?" from a smartly dressed buggerette behind us.
the coffee tasted like black piss, while the whiskey in my irish coffee tasted like American beer, but we talked. perhaps this was my first meeting with Des for a year or so, and that was the reason why i wasn't compelled to do the funky stuff i used to do to him in camp, when he took the double decker beside mine and he had an entire stash of romance novels, of which the more colorful erotica were eagerly devoured by the rest of the depraved corporals in Bunk 3, Alm Plt, Alpha Coy, 35 SCE (shitworkers unite!). Since I gave him the address of this blog, i don't think i should say what exactly i (or the others) did to him on a regular basis. Sorry Dessie :)
but it still came to me as a surprise how much of us stayed the same even though we were released into the civilian world for almost a year and a half now.
No more camos and short-singlet-PT shoes, no more shitty camp food, no more bellyaching about being in the bottom of the foodchain in this kanina shithole/mangrove swamp. Perhaps the facades has changed, and much has happened, but the core in us are still preserved.
Perhaps only the inevitable hard knocks will make some perceptible impression. but anyway,
yes, i'm still the lonely loser that i am now, as i was then. and i still will be the lonely loser in the future, as i am now.
definitely, the climate and social settings are different, but the more things change, the more they stay the same init?
so thank you, poto, whoever you are, for reminding me of myself.
its nice to go back to your roots for awhile.
Saturday, January 01, 2005
erm, thank you. you've really hit the nail right on my head. i've always knew i was a lonely unwanted bitch/geek. Consequently, I don't think I'm that cool ley. perhaps its my id doing funky stuff again. i will speak to it again tonight regarding this issue.
however, i can't find anything to bite into.
how about your head, beyatch?
however, i can't find anything to bite into.
how about your head, beyatch?
