Wang's Kitchen

while i was digging myself out of that hole a few weeks ago, i kept asking myself why i felt so irrationally betrayed even as i got over the-really-fucked-up-and-much-ado-about-nothing rejection.

and i keep wondering why nowadays, everytime i saw you, i felt a strangely familiar stench of anger that never failed to spoil my entire day.

then i remembered it was the exact same way i felt when i found out my first supervisor in my first lab "engineered" my "transfer" to the mertz lab and i left the ahlquist lab in tears that autumnal day. only a thousand times worse.

then i realized that while i might be stupid and easily manipulated, my heart always feels the truth. it always knows.

and what its telling me, and what's making me so hung up is not because of the rejection, but because by selfishly and thoughtlessly hurting me, you exposed your whole approach to people around you. that was the heartbreaking part, because i cared about you before. because i've always thought i saw something good in you. guess i was wrong. stupid, stupid me.

usually i don't give a shit about these things but, you'll never ever take me for granted again; you will never ever treat me as your punching bag again; you can never ever take me as your personal storage box again;you will never treat me as your errand boy again; and you for sure can never hurt me ever again. this is the last time i'm wasting this space about you.

because you're out of my life, asshole. motherfucking out.

"Your voice it is so soothing
The cunning mantra of killing
I need you my witness
To dress this up so bloodless
To numb me and purge me now
Of thoughts of blaming you"

- Testify , Rage Against the Machine