Wang's Kitchen

while i was digging myself out of that hole a few weeks ago, i kept asking myself why i felt so irrationally betrayed even as i got over the-really-fucked-up-and-much-ado-about-nothing rejection.

and i keep wondering why nowadays, everytime i saw you, i felt a strangely familiar stench of anger that never failed to spoil my entire day.

then i remembered it was the exact same way i felt when i found out my first supervisor in my first lab "engineered" my "transfer" to the mertz lab and i left the ahlquist lab in tears that autumnal day. only a thousand times worse.

then i realized that while i might be stupid and easily manipulated, my heart always feels the truth. it always knows.

and what its telling me, and what's making me so hung up is not because of the rejection, but because by selfishly and thoughtlessly hurting me, you exposed your whole approach to people around you. that was the heartbreaking part, because i cared about you before. because i've always thought i saw something good in you. guess i was wrong. stupid, stupid me.

usually i don't give a shit about these things but, you'll never ever take me for granted again; you will never ever treat me as your punching bag again; you can never ever take me as your personal storage box again;you will never treat me as your errand boy again; and you for sure can never hurt me ever again. this is the last time i'm wasting this space about you.

because you're out of my life, asshole. motherfucking out.

"Your voice it is so soothing
The cunning mantra of killing
I need you my witness
To dress this up so bloodless
To numb me and purge me now
Of thoughts of blaming you"

- Testify , Rage Against the Machine

there was this experiment that was described in neuroscience class two years ago, where cruel bastards hooked electrodes to a rat's ventral tegmental area, and the rat kept pressing the button - to its decline, for the current all because it felt good.

i think it feels even better to have the fucking electrodes out now. it hurt like shit for a while. but hell yeah, sometimes, getting shit thrown at you is the fucking best thing in the world. because it lets you know where exactly you stand and who's worth standing by and who's worth for naught.

and you're not.

i miss the smell of flowers in the cold winter air; the smell of my coffee in the mornings; Giang's vietnamese pork ribs in the night. Bach's gentle suites playing into the wee hours of the mornings because i forgot to switch it off (or rather, didn't want to) , and Giang's gently strumming guitar as he sings of love and love lost. I miss slapping Lewis's skinny ass; and saturday mornings watching EPL and the badgers kicking some ass. goddang i miss saturdays, where you have absolutely nothing to do as you wake up in the mornings with the windows half open in cold, to the shouts of drunken happy red badger army commandos on their way to Randall. and that you can wear whatever you want to the capitol for marigold's kitchen (duck confit and in house ancora roasted coffee beyatch!) and farmer's market. and again, that you can wear whatever to Great Dane and get absolutely wrecked at a quarter of what it costs here to get wrecked and posed at some poser fucking place in singapore.

i miss my last year in madison. Sure, life was stressful but the cold kept me alive and happy, because everything seemed to be simpler there. Being here absolutely sucks.