Thursday, October 21, 2004
history over, first round of midterms officially over. Unofficially, I'm already into my second set of exams. I should be feeling really good now, but unfortunately I'm numb. I'm either starting to be so sick of exams and books that I'm blase, or I'm on my way to a breakdown. Its been three exams that I look at them as merely obstacles to a complete night's sleep. None of the magical wonder that I used to have when learning new things.
History was the worst for me though. It's my first history course since lower secondary school and I'm enjoying it, but the stress of preparing for it has kept me up all night for 2 nights in a row and has led me to skipping a lecture. The stress not the usual exam or book stress; its that feeling that if I really screw it up, its my own fault because I was idealistic and interested enough and I thought I was ballsy enough to take an advanced course after a 8 year hiatus and I finally wanted to point the finger at those idiots who take easy courses in order to meet the 3.8 mark.
While the journey back to time has been exhilirating so far, the thought of screwing this up and consequently screwing my GPA has been pissing me off and worrying me at the same time. Finally realised that its bureaucrats who run the whole show back at my sponsor's, and bureaucrats don't know shit except GPA. No bureaucrat is going look at my transcript and say "hmm, interesting course, broadly educated chap, he is." That bitch is just going to say "Eh why no 3.8!? Send him to wash test tubes lar. Let our core 4.0 scholars lead the way." Well fuck them. If 4.0 turn out to be those wimps who take the easy way to a degree (101 introductory breadth courses for all of them, and not even a graduate course to boast of), then its "houston, we have a problem.." for us. Lenin, bastard though he is, described bureaucracy as a class that rises above society and loses touch with them. How so bloody true.
History was the worst for me though. It's my first history course since lower secondary school and I'm enjoying it, but the stress of preparing for it has kept me up all night for 2 nights in a row and has led me to skipping a lecture. The stress not the usual exam or book stress; its that feeling that if I really screw it up, its my own fault because I was idealistic and interested enough and I thought I was ballsy enough to take an advanced course after a 8 year hiatus and I finally wanted to point the finger at those idiots who take easy courses in order to meet the 3.8 mark.
While the journey back to time has been exhilirating so far, the thought of screwing this up and consequently screwing my GPA has been pissing me off and worrying me at the same time. Finally realised that its bureaucrats who run the whole show back at my sponsor's, and bureaucrats don't know shit except GPA. No bureaucrat is going look at my transcript and say "hmm, interesting course, broadly educated chap, he is." That bitch is just going to say "Eh why no 3.8!? Send him to wash test tubes lar. Let our core 4.0 scholars lead the way." Well fuck them. If 4.0 turn out to be those wimps who take the easy way to a degree (101 introductory breadth courses for all of them, and not even a graduate course to boast of), then its "houston, we have a problem.." for us. Lenin, bastard though he is, described bureaucracy as a class that rises above society and loses touch with them. How so bloody true.
